Ha, Bloody Ha! - And yes, that was sarcastic.
by River
Summary: Just imagine if Mulder and Scully swopped bodies - (a twist on Dreamland); but Mulder gets toooo comfortable for Scully's liking. Now with new chapter if you're interested...
1. And that was just for starters

This is my twist on Dreamland but still, it's spoiler free, and yes, I do know that I have totally over dramatised their characters- Sorry!  
  
It's my first hit at 'humorous' - so please forgive me if it wastes your time…  
  
TITLE: Ha -Bloody Ha!  
  
Scully hated the whole tie malarkey thing. It was gagging her throat - how did Mulder manage to cope with wearing one? A message appeared on her screen telling her that she had an email - she couldn't be bothered to open it - suspecting it was one of those crude naked lady pictures that had been circulating the office.   
She needed some time by herself to think and so rushed off to the loo almost entering the ladies by mistake - something is up I here you ask - firstly, Scully don't wear ties and second, excuse me but, shouldn't Scully be going to the ladies and not the little boy's room? YES SOMETHING IS UP, I'VE SWOPPED BODIES WITH MULDER, she felt like shouting. Instead, she locked herself in a toilet cubical and ran through her thoughts again, although she felt more like hiring a bus and running over them, they had been through her head so many times: She knew it was the most unbelievable thing in the world - but the undeniable fact was that she and Mulder had somehow swapped bodies. Mulder had a few theories about how it happened and all, and was going to follow them up - but it was pretty obvious that he wasn't in any rush too -he seemed to be ...er…enjoying himself.  
She's woken up in Mulder's bed, first of all thinking that he'd drugged her the night before and brought her back to his place - she had freaked at the idea, then she'd got out of bed - noticed she wasn't wearing much or rather his body wasn't wearing much and really freaked.  
  
Ring, Ring. Ring, Ring. He eventually picked up...  
'Mulder?'  
'Yeah?'  
'Mulder! I'm in your apartment - in your body!'  
'Yeah - me too, I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and I knew something was different but couldn't quite put my finger on it -' He chuckled.  
'Pleeeaassee, don't tell me you're finding this funny', she groped for words, plucking one of the three million question that was flying around in her head.  
'How long have you been up?  
Er about three hours - I couldn't sleep.'  
'THREE HOURS?' What had he been doing for three hours - she didn't want to even think about it. 'And you didn't call me?'  
'I was er getting used to being you Scully - you know practising your mannerisms and stuff so I can pass you off convincingly at work.'  
'Work? You're not going to work today', she said trying to make it sound like a definite statement rather than a plea.  
'And why not?'  
'Because, because, everyone will think that I'm strange'  
'No, I'll be really good, I will, they won't know the difference…'  
  
Yeah, famous last words, he'd already humiliated her about the same number of times that he'd denied that the amazing large stack of videos in his cupboard (which she'd stumbled across this morning), weren't his.   
For a start, whenever he sat down he left his legs wide apart, and she'd noticed Skinner had been giving him a few stares. She had told him it sit with his legs crossed countless times, but it just wasn't sinking in, unlike the orange juice that he'd had an accident with across her shirt earlier that morning. Also, he thought it was hilariously funny to flirt outrageously with Skinner, who surprisingly enough was quite receptive - Ha bloody ha. - PLUS, (she was in full flow now) he has made absolutely no effort to walk like a women and she'd heard a couple of the guys making jokes about Scully getting seriously laid the night before, and even she had to admit that Mulder made her look like she'd ridden a horse non stop for the past century.   
She would have liked to stay in the cubical for the next, day, week, year… however long until this nightmare was over but someone had come into the loos and she didn't want them to think that she had a constipation problem or anything - though it would get back at Mulder, she let the thought rest for a couple of seconds -No, she wouldn't stoop that low, and so made her way out of the cubical and for the door.  
'Mulder!' - I wondered where you were. 'Wait a sec, I need a word with you about Scully.'   
Scully inwardly grimaced; being in the same room with Skinner while he's taking a whizz in the corner was not on her list of top ten classic entertainment. - so while Skinner continued she suddenly found the dull, scabby brick wall infront of her really interesting, so interesting in fact that she had to stand with it a centimetre from her face and miss out on the glorious site that was Skinner shaking himself off when he was done. -What a pity - NOT.  
All Skinner had asked her about was Scully's unusual behaviour -oh, and did I forget to mention that he'd also said he needed Scully to - wait for it -AUTOPSY A BODY. Yeah, that would be fun, Mulder trying to distinguish an ass from the elbow…  
Scully found Mulder eating pizza, she snatched it out of his hand and threw it in the bin.   
'HEY! I was eating that'  
'Not any more'  
'What did you do that for I have a right mind to get it out of the bin and eat it'   
'Yeah right,' she stood right in front of him trying to find some hint of discomfort with their whole swapping body's thing - but nothing, only…the smell of...  
'Mulder, did you use my deodorant?' she asked.  
'No.' He looked at her 'What are you trying to say I smell? I went out and bought one of my usual brands instead - I felt weird putting some lady perfume stuff on me, it made me feel'-  
'Like a woman?' she interrupted? 'THAT IS THE POINT, YOU'VE MADE ME SMELL LIKE A MAN.'   
'Look, stop having a go at me, my day's not going too well and this bra's giving me chaffing ' he said reaching under his shirt to rearrange it.  
'Woah, stop right there. Come here. I'll do it - I 'm not having you anywhere near my breasts.'  
'Okay, you're the boss' Mulder grinned, as though he'd already had his fill of enjoyment from them.  
Stupid bastard. He'd put it on the tightest hook. She was just changing it when Skinner entered. Skinner looked like he had been slapped by a fat wet fish a couple of times- 'er…er…sorry' he mumbled making his way back out the door looking as comfortable as W.Bush in a bikini.  
Scully collapsed into a chair moaning incomprehensibly. This was the worst day since she'd mistaken a bidet for a loo.  
Silence.  
'Thanks' Mulder cut into the silence whispering. ''There's no chaffing now.'  
She almost screamed.  
  
She'd made it through the day, and was now sitting in Mulder's apartment -or rather mess, drinking water - because there was nothing in his fridge apart from about 500 packs of sunflower seeds that weren't just in the fridge but in the bed, on the floor, on the couch …Mulder was a pig she decided, he'd even eaten that pizza out of the bin, insisting that it wasn't doing HIS body any harm…  
She got up to search for something to change into. And yes - she did mean SEARCH, in this place it was a wonder he found the door to escape to work in the mornings. His clothes practically leap out of the wardrobe at her, falling in a heap across her head -she blundered around for a few seconds getting over the shock and then smacked into a chair, catching her -er -crotch awkwardly - GODDAMN IT. It bloody killed. She doubled over, trying to resist the urge to get an ice pack to put on it; as soon as she and Mulder swapped body's back again, she knew the first place she'd be kicking him for making her so humiliated -there's scope for a baseball bat in there somewhere she mused.  
An idea entered her head. Slowly at first, just creeping in through the backdoor, but it had definitely entered her head. She shook her head trying to throw it out, but it had started to make itself comfortable, you know, pull up a chair, grab a cushion, kind of stuff. 'No' She said to the empty apartment. But the little idea was still there, and she knew she wouldn't be able to resist. Just a peek -NO-a really really quick look-NO -but come on when will you get the chance to see it again? She sighed giving in to her temptation, beginning to think that being in Mulder's body was having an effect on her mind. She unzipped her trousers, and pulled her pant waistband out, took a deep breath and looked down…  
  
* ***********  
  
Beep beep. Beep beep  
  
Her alarm ripped through her subconscious and she rolled over aimlessly waving around with her arm in order to turn it off - HER ARM! She was in HER body, in HER bed - She grinned stupidly and then felt stupid -it had been a dream, a cruel and twisted dream - yeah like Mulder and Scully would be interested in each other's privates. She laughed at the absurdity. Her dream had been way too harsh to Mulder -he's not a bad guy, he's a loveable rogue. She rolled over ready to curl up and go right back to sleep when the phone rang - she picked it up.   
'Scully'. She said.  
'About er yesterday,' the voice said  
'What about yesterday?' she asked hesitantly.  
'Don't pull that one on me you naught minx' chuckled the voice.  
'Skinner?'  
'That's not what you called me yesterday, I think it was something more like Mr Big-…'   
Scully slammed the phone down - this just wasn't happening.  
  
  
  
By River  
  
  
It'd be real nice if you reviewed. Cheers.  
  



	2. Feeling sheepish in a baaaaa-d way

Sorry - (that must be about the fifth time I've apologised for this story)- that this second chapter thing took so long, but I couldn't think of anything remotely funny for weeks - an even then it was remote…  
  
TITLE: Ha, Bloody Ha -and yes that was sarcastic!  
Chapter 2  
  
That had gone well - about as well as Pavarotti potholing. Scully had seen Skinner earlier that morning to discuss yesterday's er… 'situation'. Actually, to tell the truth he'd seemed to take it fine and perfectly understand that in fact whatever she'd said yesterday - or done yesterday she did not mean…  
'Yeah, Sure that's okay with me. We just forget about yesterday' Skinner had said.  
'That would be great' she said and had beamed like a mouse with a melon up its arse.  
'Done'. He had smiled back.   
Anyway, Scully thought she'd pushed the point home enough and left, missing Skinner's 'Does she like me, or is does she like me!', and then an attempt at a seductive growl that sounded more like a dog being castrated -very sexy. Her thoughts were interrupted by a rap at the door- she opened it cautiously for some reason expecting to see a bogeyman or goblin, or something - (she has an active imagination okay?). But it was worse, far worse - it was Skinner - in shorts.  
'Heeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllloooooooooooooooo-'   
'Hi, and bye', Scully cut his greeting short- She didn't know when he was going to finish and she had an appointment in three days that she couldn't cancel. ' I thought we said we'd forget about yesterday'  
'I did.'   
'Okay….', Scully said wondering whether he'd missed the point or not let his ego understand it.  
Skinner pushed past her into her living room. 'SKINNER' she warned.  
'I'd prefer it if you call me Walter, or call me Walte-baby, or - just call me what you like'  
'How about I CALL the police' she said feeling mildly stupid, being FBI and all. But Skinner hadn't heard her instead he had his eyes on some…videos? What? MULDER…  
'Got them especially for us did you Dana', Skinner said picking the porn video's up then reading them out 'Beauty and the beast, Old Mac Donald shagged a farm, ' Scully interrupted 'They not mine'  
'Sure.' Skinner gave her a mischievous grin, that she really didn't want to be witness to. Her face flushed and she gushed - 'No, they're not. I don't go for that stuff, they're Mulder's he left...'  
She stopped seeing Skinner stiffens - his neck that is, just to clear up any obscurity.  
'Like that is it? You and Mulder?' He said disgruntled.   
'No. No. What I mean is that. They were sent here …for Mulder…'s friend.' She said lying through the skin of her teeth, which in fact are not covered by skin, now that I mention it.  
'Three of you? You, Mulder, and his friend - and the porn video's? And you didn't invite me?' Skinner actually looked hurt.  
'No..You don't understand..' Way to go Scully, you're digging yourself in deeper and deeper, and no you're making a mighty fine job of it without a spade.  
  
She'd finally got rid of him and forgot about him, that was until 6:00 the next morning when a courier had woken her to sign for a package…  
  
Scully burst threw Skinner's door not listening to the reception's cries. 'I TOLD YOU THAT WE ARE NOT AN ITEM.' She shouted throwing the package down and ripping the lid off to reveal some er - well put it this way, underwear, designed by someone with a very large imagination and a lot of time on their hands.  
Skinner coughed looking suitably embarrassed. 'Scully would you like to meet Special Agent Scott and Marlow, they will be helping you on your new case.' The agents were standing in the corner trying to look as un-intruding as the Chippendales at a funeral'  
After Skinner left them, Scully chatted to the agents before having to leave for a important meeting with Mr Nobody, in nowhere, at anytime, in other words leave the room as quickly as possible as she felt soooo embarrassed and had turned a shade of red that clashed with her hair. Scott and Marlow had been nice to her but had performed the whole little 'I -didn't -understand what- happened -back- there -and -I'm- going- to- pretend- that -I've -forgotten- it -routine -but- in -the mean- time -you -can- kiss- my -arse -to- prevent- me -from- bringing- it -up -again-and-I'm-just-rambling-on-down-now- until-I-make-a-paragraph-out-of-this-hyphen-thing…  
She should have guessed that it was Mulder's idea of a sick joke, knowing she'd instantly think it was Skinner. She'd shouted at him for being so cruel and wasting his time when he could be looking at their case. But he'd said that it was mail order and that he hadn't had to shift his butt an inch as his phone was in his pocket and hence it only took about a minute - blah- blah- blah-. What kind of catalogues does he get sent to his house anyway, she'd pondered for all of one millisecond.  
Anyway, Mulder called her later that day saying he had a lead that their man was going to be in some club at 3.00. It was now 2 hours and five vodkas later -Mulder's not Scully's, and this bloke still hadn't shown up. She looked at Mulder, he looked a mess -he loosened his tie for the 10th time complaining that it was too hot in there, yet she refrained from telling for the 100th time that he'd had too much to drink ..suddenly his eyes lit up, he'd seen him, the elusive man they'd been tying to get hold of for ages…  
She followed Mulder as he rushed after the man, through the crowded club, down the stair, along the passage and into, yes and I do mean into, the revolving door.   
  
'On your report', Skinner read 'you have stated as your reason to fail to arrest this man as, and I quote 'Special Agent Mulder's tie became caught in the revolving door jamming the door so that' you 'Agent Scully could not get out' wasting precious minutes 'until a kind passer by who happened to be carrying scissors' - as one does - 'kindly cut Agent Mulder free -by which time the suspect had long gone.'  
The agents nodded feeling as sheepish as a Macdonald's lamb chop king sized burger.  
'Well, it not being an official statement and everything, I thought we might tell the TRUTH for once' Mulder jabbed - there had been tension between these two- provoked by Skinner -ever since the porn video incident Scully's house the day before…strange that.  
  
******  
  
Scully had been feigning 'I-found-your-little-send- Scully-underwear-joke-funny' whenever she was in Mulder's presence - But OH NO. She had not forgotten about it, she would forget her name, her brand of hair dye and her skirt, before she forgot Mulder's joke.  
The perfect chance came when Fowley asked Mulder to the annual get together thing she arranged for agents- even so Scully felt she was only invited as a polite gesture so she wouldn't feel left out -yeah, she'd rather grow a third leg than have to enjoy an evening arranged by bimbo from hell. But, that said, this was a great opportunity for revenge - and what's sweeter? About three chocolate gateau's and a box of strawberry fondant cakes I know you're thinking - Scully would have agreed but she was out of them and would have to settle for revenge…  
To cut a short story even shorter she spiked Mulder's drink - in a nice way though- just so he'd feel a bit , well - bold, brash, reckless, unruly, wanton,- I think you get the picture . She knew she should of stopped him but it was hilarious - he'd spent the evening slapping people's butt's for a laugh - yes men included as he was finding it hard to tell the difference, yet it kept him entertained - that was until he came to Mrs Marlow (who looked like she'd swallowed the empire state building for breakfast) and boy did he get a thumping. Agent Marlow looked more surprised than angry, at the fact that Mulder's hand hadn't been swallowed up by her triple butt cheeks, yet soon regained control of his slack jaw to pull Mrs Marlow off Mulder.   
They left soon after that, getting the hint that Mulder had outstayed his welcome and Scully let Skinner know that she'd take Mulder home to help him sort out his upcoming bruises. But had to cut their conversation short and drag Mulder away as soon as possible when she realised he was saying or rather slurring to Skinner something about his butt being firmer than Fowley's -okay…  
The next morning, Mulder was slightly the worse for wear - that being the understatement of the century.   
'Coffee?' she asked. Trying to ease his fuzzy brain.  
'Noooo. More like a sharp blow to the head.'  
'Tea?' she tried instead ignoring his joke.  
'No coffee' he replied, looked distractedly past the door. Scully peered round to see Skinner walking towards Mulder, ducking back, she hissed 'Ignore me, I can't deal with Skinner this early in the morning'. She stood flat against the wall with the optimistic hope that Skinner had been struck blind the night before and would miss her well-camouflaged black suit against the white wall. But Skinner walked straight past them not saying anything, but slapping Mulder's butt and giving him a playful grin as he passed. Mulder turned to her wide-eyed   
' I have never been more afraid in my life!' he said through his astonishment.  
'Been there, done that', Scully replied and went to get Mulder that sharp blow to the head - er- I mean coffee.  
  
Please review!  



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